The "Why" Behind the "What": The Science of Child Behaviour

"They're Just Trying to Push My Buttons!"

The Real Reason Behind Your Child's Behaviour 🧐

It’s a common feeling: you’ve set a clear boundary, and your child seems to do the exact opposite just to defy you. It feels personal, but what if their behaviour isn’t about you at all? It’s often a natural, and even necessary, part of their development. Understanding the "why" behind the "what" can change the way you respond.

Here's a look at the science behind some common behaviorus and what your child is really learning:

• Boundary Pushing is About Learning: When your child ignores a rule, they're not trying to be bad; they’re trying to understand the world. They're testing to see if the boundary is firm and consistent. They're asking, "What happens if I do this? Are the rules the same every time?" Your calm, consistent response is what teaches them about safety and predictability.

  
  

• The Need for Control: Children, especially toddlers and preschoolers, have very little control over their lives. They are told what to wear, what to eat, and when to sleep. When they refuse to do something simple, like eat their vegetables, they are often trying to exert a small amount of control over their environment. Offering choices ("Do you want pumpkin or carrots?") gives them that sense of power and can prevent a power struggle.

  
  

• Sibling Rivalry is Normal: While it can be frustrating, sibling rivalry is a natural part of developing social skills. It's where children learn about sharing, negotiation, and conflict resolution. Instead of trying to eliminate all conflict, help them work through it. Say, "I see you both want that toy. Let's set a timer for five minutes so you can each have a turn."

  
  

• The "Attention-Seeking" Myth: When a child acts out for attention, it's a sign they need more positive connection with you. Instead of viewing it as a negative, think of it as an invitation to connect. A few minutes of dedicated, positive attention—reading a book, playing a game, or just a hug—can often reduce the need for negative attention-seeking behaviour later on.

  
  

By understanding that these behaviours are often a normal part of development, you can respond with less frustration and more compassion. You’re not just reacting to a behavior; you’re helping to shape a well-adjusted, confident human being.